It’s very late..but I don’t sleep

It’s very late here, 1:30 in the morning and I know I should be asleep.  The house is finally quiet and that noisy little toddler who decided sleeping from 7 to 10:30 as the perfect amount of nighttime rest has finally stopped protesting and gone to sleep.  Even the radiator which for some reason stays active all night so all I hear when I do try to sleep is gurgling water is quiet. 
And yet I am not.
Several days ago, I made the ultimate error of checking my email while everyone was on Space Mountain and I waited outside with the Chick.  It’s frustrating how much one person can can create such an overwhelmingly bad feeling swell inside me.  It’s a rather long story and those who knew me during the time know what I am talking about but for those who don’t here’s the short version.
Chick is adopted.  She’s been with our family since August 2007.  Adopting a child is fraught with a lot of excitement, frustration, longing, paperwork, bureaucracy, hope.  When the people in charge of helping you fulfill a dream of bringing a child into your family don’t give you support, understanding, compassion, communication, really any shred of hope to cling to, it’s hard.  Beyond hard.  I’m choosing not to mention our agency for many reasons, least of which it’s in the past.  Or was until a few days ago.  
My daughter has been in my family for 18 months.  We did everything right, correct and as we were told.  We completed our requirements of three visits with a social worker at the appropriate intervals after bringing her home, and long before Christmas last year we sent a bound book of pictures to Chick’s orphanage so her caretakers could see she is loved, happy and secure.  Just as she had been loved and happy there.
What pain, a true physical, heart wrenching pain to see that little girl at 15 months taken from the only life she had ever known.  She’d been in the orphanage since birth.  Caretakers cried, the baby cried, I cried.  But in the end after a very long and difficult road, Chick is just as she is meant to be.  With us, in our family and spunky as they come.
So to receive an email from our agency stating we did not “fulfill our obligation” as they put it, brought up all the bad from the 14 months we spent dealing with them.  A report of the final post placement we have been told was never received by them.  Our social worker is not a flake, an idiot nor irresponsible.  In fact she’s an extremely bright and kind woman.  She would not forget to mail the report.  It will have been a year in a few weeks since the last visit.  And yet now they claim the report is missing.  We dealt with this in June as well.  Another report was sent then to ease their minds.  And now they lost it again.  
And it just brings up so much bad stuff in me.  It’s wrong to hate, somewhere deep down I know this.  But it is so hard in this case not to feel hate for the mess this agency has made of our experience.  We’ll never adopt again because of it.  That’s just really sad to me.  I wanted that to be a decision that was made because it wasn’t right for our family.  Not because of an experience that I do pray no else has to go through.
The hard part is that while Chick may be ours she really isn’t.  Chick or Chickadee isn’t really her name of course (I am not that mean of a mother) but her name also isn’t the name we’ve given her either.  Because of where we live we can not readopt her until we are residents of the US again which allows us to change her name.  Her name is still the name that the orphanage or maybe her birthmother gave her.  I don’t know who named my daughter.  I don’t know why they chose the Chinese characters they did.  What meaning they may have.  I wish I could have a good relationship with the agency who placed her with us so I could ask this and a lot of other questions that at the time when a wiggly 15 month whose picture you’ve been staring at for 8 months is placed in your arms… well those questions tend to fly straight of your mind and the only thing you can think is My God isn’t she so tiny and beautiful?
I hope someday this will finally be over for us now.  I hope that this time it really will be. 

21 thoughts on “It’s very late..but I don’t sleep

  1. You are up at 1:30 a.m. (your time, it’s still friday here) and this truly must be weighing heavy on your heart. I am so sorry—not having experienced ANYTHING like that, I don’t know what to say. Yeah, It is easy to want to hate when someone messes up or messes with something THAT important – and sacred really. So, just letting you know I care. She is lucky to be in your family!!

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  2. Adoption paperwork seems never ending, but you do think that it’s almost over when the little one is home. So many hurdles to jump through. I hope you find peace about it all soon so you can enjoy your daughter without this hanging over your head.

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  3. My heart goes out to you!! All I can say is that I will send up prayers for peace..and that one day this will be over! you will have peace and your daughter will forever be changed in all ways good..because of what you have done for her and the home you provided for her!

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  4. So sorry you are experiencing difficulties. We are also having a few difficulties, but ours are with the Swiss bureaucrats and will be over soon. The adoption itself went quite smoothly.If it would help you, there are US states where US citizens living abroad can re-adopt through the state courts without ever having been a resident. If you want more information, just e-mail me on Facebook. (In case you aren’t sure, I’m the Stroller Lady…)

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  5. So sorry to read this. I know that you have been struggling with them for ever. I hope that as you continue to give them whta they ask for that they one day overcome their incompetency.

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  6. Unbelievable that you have to pay (emotionally) for such incompetence. How difficult this must be for you. But I’m SURE everything will work out in the end and thank goodness that all Chick knows is that she is growing up in a stable, loving family who cherish her more than anything.Thinking of you…

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  7. Thanks to everyone for the kind words. It’s been a difficult enough road without more stuff piled on top. But our social worker already has the report (once again) in the mail this time to us and we are going to scan it and send it via email. The hard part is knowing the orphanage and Chick’s birth family are caught in this too. We happily sent pictures and updates know they would want them and for them to not have gotten them because of the agency makes me sad.Global Lib – I will definitely find you and see if you can help!

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  8. I am so sorry this has happened to you and that you continue to have to deal with these issues ongoing. It really is the worst kind of frustration and the scariest dealing with uncaring and incompetent agencies or staff! I don’t know how you are not constantly freaking that you have not finalized, that must be hard. Hugs to you,Tamara

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  9. A, I’m sorry that you have had CONTINUED issues with them. Had no idea that could find ways to continue to piss you off way after the adoption. Doesn’t suprise me to hear this though. Humm… wonder why??? Our first post-placement repot was just sent to them this week. Guess I’d better start harassing them to make sure that they got it.

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  10. I couldn’t believe it when I read this post. I was with you through the adoption process and also remember them losing the other letter too. Once you’re sure everything is finalized, you should ream them on every adoption website possible!I know it’ll work out for you in time.

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  11. I feel a little bit of your pain… I need to email you. And Andrea, she is and always will be your daughter… no matter what. I am so so very sorry. It needs to be over and done… that chapter should be closed. Praying for your new happy chapter soon. I’m hoping that the one who posted can help you re-adopt. Sara

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  12. Why is it that I’ve been hearing more negative stories about these agencies than positive ones.Our friends went through a very similar story with their son from Guatemala. I’ve never seen 2 strong people become reduced to angry, bitter, hysterical people over an agency who ultimately is supposed to help you complete your family. I wish you peace in your endeavors… and closure with “these” people.

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